| Waiting for my call to adventure |
[May. 28th, 2008|01:14 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  discontent | ] |
I can't handle it anymore. I love Denver, I love Josh, I love my family and friends, but I need something else. I need the world and apparently lots of money. That seems to be the only way to function now. I just can't handle the monotony anymore. Every day is the fucking same, draining any ounce of creativity and individuality out of me. I love all these people but at the same time, I am beginning to resent them. I don't mean to, I just am. I can not handle feeling married to Josh, I can not put up with my mother's constant bull shit. I can not handle me. I sit everyday and watch my life go by, thinking it would be different. I hate to admit it but I do miss high school, I at least felt like I had purpose. I could learn, be happy and not expect anything from life yet. The only time I'm happy anymore is when I dream or the the time before I fall asleep were I can think about what life would be like if I won the lottery or somehow acquired Bill Gate's money. That way I could travel where ever I wanted to, go to school in some fantastic metropolitan city, and even how enough money to hire a personal trainer so I didn't hate the way I look. I often fantasize about if i could go back in time with what I know and just do it all different. I will be honest with myself and live journal, mostly because I haven't written in here in years, so no one that knows me would read it, save Sarah. What does someone do when the are unhappy in almost every aspect of their life. I do love Josh, but there is no passion anymore and I feel like we are more very good friends rather than someone in a relationship. I do not know if he is the one I want to be with forever. How can I even know when I feel like I have never done anything on my own. My biggest fear at this point is getting married, having babies, and waking up at 40 realizing I never did anything with my life. I sit in this empty house staring at the stains on the walls, each a memory, perhaps one where we were happy. My life is changing, it has so much already. Friends are getting married, engaged, having babies and settling down to find their place in life. I am ignorant to mine. I have dreams, but they seem so impossible that if I fail what else is there to shoot for, what else is there to do? My life would be such a disappointment after that, in fact it already seems to be. When will some mystical creature, come with my call to adventure to take me away to some foreign fantasy land, like in all the books I've read. I just keep waiting, I fear I will be waiting forever and death will inevitably be that call. |
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| ahhh |
[Nov. 29th, 2005|11:15 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  sick | ] |
| [ | music |
| | none, I am in the school library | ] |
so life becomes harder still, or maybe I am just lazier. School is becoming so had to even go to now. It's not just the work, it's actually making the effort to go. I have a lot of work to do. I have to write my independent study for english which is very long and do a project for sociology on the media and how they do something to classify genders. It was due monday but I don't even know what I am doing, much less how to do it. Plus I think I have like 3 tests to make up. I have also been very sick and tired and working alot. I know that is not a good excuse but it's true. fri, sat, and sun I worked 8 hour shifts each day working an entire 24 hours. I feel like I am going to die. I almost want tomove back in with my dad so I do not have to work. Or at least find a job where I cna sit. and not really have to do much. Hot Topic was easy but the pay was so awful it just wasn't worth it. I am worried I will not graduate. I have not been putting school first which is what i need to start doing. I thought about moving out and not living with josh because when he is there I sleep in. The only time I get up is when he gets up or when someon calls me. I think I am failing most of my classes. I really need to start taking this seriously. Perhaps I should only work like 2-3 days a week and work long hours so I cna do school work all the other days. cause I work three eihgt hour days thats the same s working 4 6 hour days, although 6 hour shifts are so much easier. Well I feel very sick and I must get back to writing my paper so I can turn it in. I feel horribly, my english teacher loves me so she keeps telling me I can turn it in when I need to. I feel I am taking advantage of her. I feel like I haven't done anything in her class but I am still receiving an A, It's not fair to her. that's why I am writing this paper now, perhaps I will leave work eary to finich it tonight. |
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| just one prison to another |
[Aug. 4th, 2005|05:43 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  okay | ] |
| [ | music |
| | nothing listening to my dad watch six feet under | ] |
so the move is over and done with and things don't seem any different, except I have to drive a little farther to get to my dads house. Fucking denver. I'm basically living at Josh's. I sleep there every night, my clothes are there, my cat is there, my James Dean poster is there, but I don't technically just in case one of the boys don't like it. Oh well. It's funny, I haven't unpacked anything in my dad's new house. All that happens is that it slowly moves to Josh's. One nice thing my dad did for me was buy me a new car and it's not a piece of crap white car that eventually leaks oil, no it's actually new, it's a 2000 kia sephia, it's a purplelly blue, I've been calling it my blueberry. It's nice. oh well I must get going I want to be down in littleton to see Josh on one of his breaks cause I forgot to see him at 5:30, so I'm gonig to be there at 7:30 instead. anyways I'll write again soon. |
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| My brain goes sploosh |
[Jul. 13th, 2005|04:16 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | hot | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Desperado Johnny Cash | ] |
We'll it has been a little while since I last wrote in here. Thank god that whole Chris thing is over and done with. But like always, it seems I always have to be in a fight with someone. I can never have bloody peace!!!!!@#$&% Well what ended up happening with Chris was, I finally decided to speak to him and let him say whatever he needed to say. (AHHHH I JUST BLEW UP A MARSHMELLOW!!!!!!!!I was trying to make an indoor smore and was washing my hand and then I looked at the microwave and the marshmellow was as big as the plate. Giant marshmellows attack. Damn I destructive, I went to get a bottled water and almost knocked over a jar of chunky blue cheese. WHy do they call it blue cheese when it is clearly white?) Anyways, well, Chris and I talked and we decided to remain friends...which means we don't talk and it's basically the same as it would have been if I had decided not to be friends. So it works out, now that he thiks we're friends he never calls me, wow he's different from how he used to be.
Well now that I'm not fighting with Chris I'm fighting with one of the parentals (no, not my dad, actually we're on good terms at the moment) My mother and I are not speaking to eachother at the moment. We'll since damn suicidal people feel the need to bomb a country I was going to visit my best friend she says I can't go. We'll my dad says I can so hopefully after the move we'll get on with it. It might only be a couple days to a week instead of two weeks, but it's better than nothing. So when I tried to explain to her that I never get to do anything like this she kept trying to interrupt me and when I wouldn't let her and I just kept talking she hung up on me. She has not called me back and I refuse to call back someone who hangs up on me. We'll she turned my cell phone off, but honestly I don't really care. It's kind of nice not having a cell phone. The only thing I'm sad about is that she developed my pictures of the boys and still has them, DAMNIT. Oh well, she hung up on me. She can call me or email me whenever she wants to. |
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| An email...from him |
[Jun. 16th, 2005|12:29 pm] |
|
I don't have a couple days to wait on this. This is a very important subject. Something just isn't making sense here. You went from saying that everything was fine and you liked having me around as a friend to all of a sudden sending me a damn E-mail saying that you can't be friends with me anymore. I know you had problems with the whole "fuck buddy" arrangement. I did too. What did you think all of those absences were where I would stop talking to you for a period of time. I hadn't realized that I made it monthly but I guess that would sound about right. The only reason that I would ever stop talking to you after we started having sex each time was because I didn't want a physical relationship with you. I was trying to decide what I wanted with you at that point and sex wasn't helping things one bit. Keep in mind that I am not the kind of person to use people for anything sexual, and that I couldn't have been using you for sex if it was always you who started it. I'm not trying to make it seem like you caused all of the problems in this; I will admit that I am significantly at fault; I am just trying to keep you from ending a very meaningful several year friendship on fraudulent and questionable reasoning. You obviously mean more than you think you do to me if I'm going through this much of a headache just to keep you around at all. Just call me and talk to me. I have nothing left to really lose with you, so I won't hold anything back. Any questions or uncertainties you have, I can and will answer. Plus, it's kind of a bad sign when I'm having trouble recalling exactly what your voice sounds like. I really don't want things to end like this. If they are at a close I want a better ending than "Here's an E-mail, and here are your things. Bye." And to be honest, though I do want my shit back, the only reason I left you a voice mail bringing it up was so I had an excuse to see you, if even for the last time. I'll admit that I've been a bit irrational over these last 24 hours, but I have calmed down. It just kind of angers up the mind when someone you thought was a close friend stops talking to you and then suddenly sends you an E-mail saying that she no longer wants to friends, wants to end all contact, and is moving so you'll never have a chance at seeing her again. And on that note, I'm sorry about the scare I gave you at your house last night. Like I've said, I've been just a tad irrational. I am ready now though to talk to you in a mature and respectable fashion. I don't expect to change your mind but at the very least I want everything cleared up. At this point I still consider you my friend and I shall await your reply. Please make it a phone call though. You know how much I hate the internet. The best time to call me with everything else going on is around five tomorrow (Thurs.) evening or at any point tonight if you end up online. If it's after nine tomorrow night then wait until after eleven. Sorry to make it so difficult but these are very busy times for me and I want to be able to have a significant amount of time set aside to talk to you when you call. Please call me tomorrow. I do still have only love and friendship towards you. Hope to hear from you soon. Bye.... |
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| His response |
[Jun. 15th, 2005|01:14 am] |
Flare4103: Ah so she does live
Flare4103: woah
Flare4103: I don't even know what to really say
Flare4103: what brought all this on?
Flare4103: do not even speak of knowing my true colors when you have but an elementary grasp of the situation. when the last time you willingly spoke to me or saw me, you told me that you were just glad to have me as a friend. now all of a sudden I get this E-mail that basically tells me that the entirety of your recent "friendship" was little more than a waiting period while you struggled up the nerve to finally tell me all of this. Well it's bull shit.
Flare4103: If you truly believe that any relationship I had with you was at any point conditional of sex, then you know very little about the way I work. The fact that you just basically told me that the only reason I was ever around you was for sex digusts me. So before you go dragging my fucking name through the mud you owe it to me to at last make you understand. This is not something that can be settled with me through means of some piss-ant, non-confrontational E-mail.
Flare4103: Besides, if you are going to throw away a friendship that has withstood so many other things, then you owe me the decency of having the balls to tell me directly to my face. Do know that if you leave our friendship this way, you will become to me as lowly and despicable as Melany. This is shit.
Flare4103: Destroy all of this if you feel the need to but at least say a proper good-bye and give me a chance to actually explain myself. If we are to part ways now then I would much rather do so on better terms than these. Should you give me a decent farewell, I will harbour no animosity towards you. But if you leave things as they are, by saying goodbye in some bull shit E-mail where only your version of the story matters, then I will think of you only in my darkest of hours and have for you only hatred in my heart
Flare4103: I don't that.
Flare4103: want*
Flare4103: hopefully, neither do you
Flare4103 signed off at 1:08:09 AM. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 14th, 2005|11:36 pm] |
Dear Chris,
Recently, you might have realized I do not answer the phone anymore. Well there is good reasoning behind this. Last year was one of the worst of my life. I waited for you, pining over you for an entire year. I loved you very much and wanted to be with you very so I waited in hopes that you would want to be with me as well. I waited in vain. I remember every month or so you would get close to me, we would have sex and it would feel like we were together. That would happen for a few days until you would get bored of me and stop calling me and talking to me until the next month rolled around and we would do it all over again. I was insane, my emotions were raw and I was so depressed that I attempted suicide three times, twice by attempting to strangle myself and once by oding on acometaphine. Everyday I would think about you in hopes that you were going to change and want to be with me again, I would hate you because you hurt me. I would have sex with you because deep down I knew it was the only I could feel close to you and that would be the only way it would feel like you loved me, even though I would tell you and myself that all it was was sex. For some reason I could not let you go. I needed you and you led me on. I felt like a horse and you were the guy dangling that carrot in front of me and I could never get it becasue it was always out of my reach. It took me an entire year but, I realized now that I do not need you. I was not able to see your true colors until now. I was blinded by the fact you didn't want me so I gave up all respect for myself. I am worth way more than that. I deserve a man who loves me and wants to be with me full time, not whenever he can get something out of it. I may have become weird in the last months of our relationship, but that's just becasue we don't belong together and I was unhappy. I have decided I deserve better. Josh is better for me and Erin is better for you, were both happier. I have decided to end our friendship becasue it is an unhealthy one. With our past it is better to let things go so we can both have a more stable future. If we both ever became sinlge again, I want to make sure things do not go back to how they were before. Like I said I am worth more than a fuck buddy. I think it's best that we go our seperate ways, I will be moving this summer so you will not be able to randomly show because believe me, I do think this is for the best. Chris, when we were together, before all the pain, it was nice and I will remember it that way, I hope you do as well. I will also remember yo as a good friend. I remember the nights when I would be depressed and you would show up and just hold me. I really appreciate that. I'm sorry it has to end this way or at all. But as I have said before it is for the best. It will allow us to move on in our current relationships and in our own lives. I hope you will not have harsh feelings for me and just remember the happy times as I will. Thank you for the past we had together. I will miss you old friend.
Sincerely,
Kelly Ann Pennington(AKA Freshman)
I just sent this to Chris in an email. I wonder if I did the right thing. |
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| lost in doubt and confusion |
[May. 28th, 2005|11:25 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | depressed | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Alkaline Trio | ] |
I am so alone. I cannot not cease to doubt Josh's love. For the most part I am very comfortable and confident with him, but there are sometimes when I wonder about us. And I cannot even talk to anyone about it. I was talking with Chris for a while, but then Josh would freak out about Chris so I finally let Chris go. I want to move forward with Josh and that is really why I let Chris go and stopped talking to him. Perhaps it's best for me too. Maybe because this will assure that nothing ever happens between Chris and I ever again. It finally felt like him nad I were actually friends though, but from what Mike says I guess it still wasn't so. Mike said that Chris said that he was glad to finally have me out of his life but that was when Chris was calling me a couple times a night every night. I think saying that might have been a cover for something. Before I was with Josh, CHris never called me but when I got with him it was every night that he called. I do miss talking to Chris, I enjoyed it very much but maybe that is because I miss talking to someone other than my boyfriend. I can't talk to Josh about Josh, that is why I need my friends.He seems like he has been so distant lately, or maybe I'm distant, I don't know.He just seems like he hardly wants to see me and when we talk it's very breif. Maybe I am just scared because I finally let myself become vulnerable to him, I finally let down the wall. The thing is though whenever I do that with guys I get royally fucked. Josh and I even spoke of marrige in the future, living together, things liek that. He reminds me alot of Chris, well the good things, the little things, except so much more. But I feel as if lately I'm in the back of his mind. I think I am getting in the old routine of having sex for attention and I don't know how to get out of it. I am so depressed lately, maybe that's just the age. Maybe it's just the main conformity of being a teenager. The 90s seemed happy. THere were blonde, bubbly valley girls everywhere. Maybe even they were depressed.I mean look at Cher in Clueless, she looked like she'd have the perfect life but if you dig deeper you find that she was inlove with her step brother, had to find her ugly friend a date, was a virgin, and could never find anything to wear. Perhaps it's just the atmosphere created for our society that initiates depression in teens. A quote from High Fidelity "Was I listening to pop music because I was depressed, or was I depressed because I was listening to pop music." |
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| The madness! |
[May. 4th, 2005|09:12 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  tired | ] |
| [ | music |
| | none, listening to the tv | ] |
Well things are very crazy and very different. Well I am very happy with my boyfriend Josh, He is amazing and my feelings for him are stronger than they were for Chris becasue I actually know how to show them. Plus he is incredible, not just the sex but as a person. I am really and truely in love with him, I hate it when he leaves, hearing his voice makes me smile, and I get butterflies everytime he tells me that he loves me.
I other news, I got another job. FINALLY AFTER MNONTHS OF SEARCHING!!!!!! I work at Hot Topic, my dream job. Well not really, But I do enjoy working there. I don't get paid that much but its still fun. The only thing wrong with it is that I see so much stuff I want. At least I get a 40% discount even when they're on sale. I might work at the Target on county line because they pay 7.50 an hour. If I work both jobs during the summer, I can save up alot of money for my trip to engalnd to visit sarah during the summer which I am very excited about.
Well School is ending and summer is beginning. THank god! |
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| The adventure ends... |
[Feb. 19th, 2005|05:38 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  happy | ] |
| [ | music |
| | My favorite song. Radio by Alkaline Trio | ] |
Well my dad gets home today. It was nice living by myself, making up my own rules and taking care of myself. It was nice. But after the drama on thursday I'll be glad to have him back. Apparently in Thailand a car bomb went off and five tourists died. Well my dad had not called me in like two days and I was freaking out. One of the last things I would have said to him was "So do you like having me gone and being my yourself?" "Yeah, it's been really nice." Oh man I would have felt absolutly awful, I did at the time when I thought he might have been dead. But he called me today and everything is okay. Chris called me with this pleasant information, completely ruining most of the night at the morbid angel, soulfly concert. But in the end Josh spent the night with me and made everything at least a little better considering the circumstances. Well Josh and I continue to grow closer and I hate to admit this because I'm so afriad he's just going to decide one day that he doesn't like me or wants me to go away or something, but, I am inlove with him. I spent the night with him last night too. It's so nice to sleep with him. We haven't had sex nd it's actually been nice. He actually respects me while be very attracted to me at the same time not to sound conceeded but he is. Well we have been going out a week today and it's amazing. I fall for him more and more everytime I see him. Today We got very sexual the most we had ever been still without actually having sex. He went down on me and while he was doing that he actually came and I didn't even touch him. That has never ever happened before. It was amazing. I can't wait to do stuff to him. It will probably take like a second. Heehee. And I'm so attracted to him to. I can't believe I'm actually going out with him. I feel like I do not deserve him and yet that is what he actually keeps telling me. On the non sexual level, we have this connection, it's amazing. It's like taking a million pain killers I'm so goofy happy. I can't stop smiling and whenever I think of him I imediatly start smiling and getting giddy. He's wonderful. We just lay there sitting and cuddling. He always wants to cuddle or hold me or play with my hair or touch my face. And the way he looks at me. I can't even explain it. I feel like, maybe, if I'm lucky. he might be in love with me too. He's starting to become my whole world and that scares me so much. I'm so afriad I'm going to do something or say something that will annoy him or scare him off. I've only been with him for a week! I finally get to say what I hear so often, I do not think I've ever felt this way about anyone I've ever met. Of course there was Chris, but Chris did want me in the end which changed how I felt plus even in the beginning I don't think the feeling was this strong at least not from my side. Chris used to treat me like Josh does now and I'm so afraid that I will turn Josh into Chris. I don't want to push Josh away. I want to be with Josh as long as I can. My god. Well it's time to go to ihop. but I will be back soon. |
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| Caught between my two great loves |
[Feb. 13th, 2005|04:02 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  giddy | ] |
| [ | music |
| | none my computer sucks | ] |
For the most part, things are finally stable in my life and I am actually happy, this worries. What will go bad now? I am falling in love. It is a new love, Josh. *sigh* I know I'm retarted for typing that but I actually did it. I am in the middle of my two great loves of my youth, as I continuosly fall for the gorgeous guitar player, Chris is still there. He called me today after a war of tagging eachother. There has been irony for the past week. On friday night I went to conoco to get some soda with Sarah, and Chris and Josh were both there, and I talked to Josh, I didn't not even speak to Chris but he saw me there. I told him today that Josh and I were dating. There was a pause and then "I wondered when you guys were going to get together." It was funny, it was finally like I was doing what he was doing, I kept randomly bringing Josh up, like he always does when he likes someone, except...I'M DATING HIM!!!!! Don't think that I'm dating Josh to get back at Chris, that is not the case at all. Like I said I'm fucking falling in love with him. He's so sweet, like when we kiss he starts shaking and I asked him why and he told " I'm nervous kissing such a pretty girl" He's afraid I would leave him for a better looking guy. Yes, single for seven months, they come along so often, it's just such a problem. He's so great, like it has that natural feeling that we've been dating for a while when in all actuality we've only been dating for two days. Except there is still that nervousness and a little awkwardness because the relationship is still very. I'm a little scared, I haven't said that to him even though he has said it. I do not want to be hurt, I do not want to be dumped again, I do not want to turn him into Chris. I'm seeing him tonight, he has already called me twice, and I saw him yesterday, tice and I saw him he day bfore that and the day before that. YAY. We get one of those close relationships where he's all clingy, I want that rigt now. I was wanting to be with Chris so badly for so long and continuosly being rejected that right now I just want someone all over me all the time. God I like him. I don't want to ruin this. |
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| falling back into ignorance |
[Feb. 8th, 2005|07:31 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | blank | ] |
| [ | music |
| | none | ] |
I cut myself this morning and I'm not quite sure why. I listened to a perfect circle's thirteenth step this morning for the first time since Chris and I broke up. Now I'm not in love with Chris again so don't worry but listening to it I had so many flash backs not just of memories but of actually feelings, not like love or anything. Just the way I felt two years ago. It's hard to explain. The state of mind I was in two years ago, returned to me while I was listening to the cd. I went into sort of a trance, I became the person I was two years ago. And without tinking I took out my knife and just started cutting up my arm. I look at the dried blood on my arm and am indeifferent to it. I'm not depressed, damnit I almost numb right now. I think back, I was so ignorant back then. I'm so ignorant now. I don't know shit about anything. I don't know if I ever will. I feel so strange, like I could call Chris and it would be two years ago, everything would be the same. but I know better than that. What the fuck is happening? |
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| annoyance to hatred |
[Feb. 6th, 2005|06:40 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  angry | ] |
| [ | music |
| | I could care less by devil driver | ] |
Something has happened that I believed never could. I finally hate Chris, not just hate, detest, despise, abhor, and whatever other words I could use. I am not only over him but I do not like him as a human being. He is an awful person. I saw him tonight and I realized for the first time even after everything he's done to me and put me through. I just can't stand him. He makes me miserable and only wants to be my friend until I give him sex and he finds someone else. I couldn't figure out whether I was depressed or not, but it just didn't feel like depression. It was hate. I was so angry at Chris and now I do not like him even more. I don't like him or any of his friends. Most of them wanted to fuck me, like I was some toy to be passed around. I am not. I will not. I have finally had enough! I have spent too much wasted time on thoughts of Chris. 10 FUCKING MONTHS!!! PINING, WAITING, WISHING. Like some idiot that is filled with denial and hope. It was all in vain. I am not the dirt under his feet, he is the dirt under mine. I could never see that until now. I was blinded with love which in reality all it was was rejection. I am inlove with rejection, but now more. I will not let our past be a reason for me to be treated like shit by him. He is nothing to me and I don't believe he ever will again. I just haven't felt the way I used to in a while which is a good thing. Not just because I've been getting closer to Josh either. Because I've finally awaken to the way he treats me. I've been so blind. And whats worse is I've chosen to be blind. No more. I cannot do this anymore. I will not do this anymore. It tears me a apart and I choose to live differently. I think I am going to say good bye to Chris. I am going to say good bye to alot of people. My eyes finally forced open and I see what I am and my value. Today is the first day of the rest of my life. And I will not be a door mat. |
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| Awaken to reality, the reality that is me |
[Jan. 9th, 2005|05:06 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | optimistic | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Apc 3 libras | ] |
I love my subjects they always sound so morbid and poetic. Anyways. A new year and a new me (hopefully). I made it through last year and I think this year will be better. I have been thinknig alot about what I should make my new years resolution, I could do the normal ones, lose five pounds, learn to play my guitar, date more, but I've decided on one that probably makes the most sense and is so obvious I want to smack myself. So my new year's resolution is...get over Chris. I've been thinking about it all day and I actually feel better anyways, less depressed. I feel strangly optimistic, as if it might actually work and there is someone waiting for me that isn't him. I used to just want him, wanting him to change, wanting him to want me again. Right now I just want to be over him and have him out of my life and I believe it is working. I hung out with Joo Marie and Trevor last night. We went to the pool hall and played a while, well I invited Chris because I wanted to tell him I was singing in my brother's show (well not really singing, more so screaming, show him my new tongue ring, and basically just want to see him. WEll he shows up and for the first time I realize, Chris is annoying. He drove me up the wall, he acted like a complete dumbass and was still hanging out with high school girls. You think that would depress me and it did for a little bit, but today I finally had my epiphany about him. He is a loser, one who is trying to be something he's not. Some how I couldn't see that. I was in love with the rejection he gave me. Somehow I madew that boy the answer to all of the worlds problems. Last night, I saw him in a new light. He had absolutly nothing interesting to say, he was hyper to the point of obnoxious, and there were no qualities that I could actually find a reason for being in love with. I think that part of my life is finally over. I will not see him anymore. He's not in school anymore (tho he'll most likely make surprise visits to the docks), he works, hopefully soon I'll be working and maybe soon I will find someone who has a character, a great personality and someone I can actually respect. I do like my brother's guitarist Josh, hopefully something with become of that. But Chris, Chris is nothing to me anymore. I finally see past the glorified mask I put on him because he did not want to be with me. I honestly do not want him anymore, as a boyfriend or even a friend, not because I hate him, but because I am above him, I have left that stage of my life behind me and am waiting and willing for something new. |
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| Fuck everything |
[Dec. 9th, 2004|06:31 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | pissed off | ] |
| [ | music |
| | My brothers band | ] |
I'm in such a bad fucking mood right now and everything I think about makes me even more pissed. I missed school today to basically watch my mother and step dad fight. A day I don't really have to just throw away and I did, we went and cut down a piece of shit christmas tree YAY and while walking through the woods I tripped and fucked up my ankle even more. Well my french teacher called my dad and apparently I'm failing when I actually fucking tried. I went in made up tests, spent times on my off periods to get lessons I even cheated during one of them to make sure I knew it but yet I still fail, yes I think my teacher is so concerned, if I fail this semester fuck if I care. I'm so tired of that damn class and that bitch of a teacher. Everything today is so great I wish I had just gone to school. And my friends seem to be deserting me and I am only good for rides, if its actually spending time with just me though, yeah right that is just way too difficult. I want to cut out of fucking anger but my knife is downstairs, god fucking damnit. and now time to do homework, I'd work on my essay but my email doesn't ever work. Hooray for everything. |
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| In the end everything becomes the same |
[Dec. 6th, 2004|03:44 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  anxious | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Vampires by Godsmack | ] |
Life as I know it has a way of repeating itself over and over again. Well a little while ago Chris broke up with Lauren (thank god) and I broke up with Wes. As usual we started getting close again, I'm not quite sure how we do it each time but we do and I know I should just avoid contact with chris and never speak to him again, that would be most sensible, but I never do what is sensible. I can't help it, I can't say no to him, and he mkaes me feel like no one can without saying a word. And the way I feel about him, well I don't want to admit it. I just can't picture myself with anyone else, any other relationship seems insignificant and just non existent. Last night I beat up myself for treating him the way I did. It's a dilema, if I hadn't been broken up with, I never would have appriciated him or fallen in love with him on the other hand if we hadn't broken up he would still see me the way he used to and be in love with me. Except everytime he looks at me lately I see that look of love in his eyes and that smile he did whne he would tell me he loved me. He is becoming the old chris again it feels like, he has a lot of the characteristics he used to, I wont rush anything if there's a chance he could go back to the old chris. |
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| My life of misery has suddenly turned into a life of comedy |
[Nov. 17th, 2004|02:15 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | amused | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Radio by Alkaline Trio | ] |
Well Chris is still dating that annoying lauren cick it's funny tho cause all of chris's friends can't stand her, but today is finally waht made the relationship, extremely amusing. I found out that 1. Chris is starting to get annoyed of her and told Heather(not shields) that she was clingy and annoying to her. 2. She is threantened by me. I can't believe I didn't see it before. Everytime I'm around them, she has to be touching him or right near him or infront of me. I didn't even notice it until my friend Rachel said it. And when I looked over at him, she saw and got infront of him. And about the whole clingy thing, Heather and I turned it into a game of how many times he walked away from her or out of her grasp. I can't help but laugh. It's terribly amusing to watch. Well I have to meet trevor at Ihop. |
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| attempt number 2 |
[Nov. 4th, 2004|06:37 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | I'm just there | ] |
| [ | music |
| | My brother's band practicing | ] |
well I did write a bunch of stuff but because I always have the greatest luck in the world, my computer decided to close all the windows that were open. YAY. Anyways as I said in the journal entry I attempted to create previously I am attempting to do my homework, it seems as if it would be such a simple task, but lately it is the most difficult thing I've done. I constantly work or go to school. The past three days have been my first days off in a while and last night and the night before I went to bed at 7. I'm still tired tonight, but I have homework I have to get to, I already went to see a movie with sarah and got taco bell with her and took her to school, it's almost 7 now, no wonder I'm getting tired. I don't want to be at work tomorrow I work all evening, I am a cashier at Super Target and I have to stand for 6 hours tomorrow, 5 hours saturday and 9 hours sunday, day of rest my ass. and I have to work monday I think from 4 to 10 again, ehh I hate work. It takes forever at least my next pay check will be almost 550$ so, I can't complain too much...or can I? My brother is practicing and they're making really high pitched sounds, it's frightening me. I still feel sick, my throat still hurts and this morning I spit in the sink and there was lots of pretty blood in it...YAY. I have the plague AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. Always fun.
In other news, I have a boyfriend, nothing super, not Parker :(, not Chris :D but he's a good guy, actually the reason I'm dating him is because out of all the guys that like me,(not to sound he seemed like he was the only one who doesn't want to fuck me and with me being on the rebound I think that's a good thing. He's nerdy and exactly the same height as me so when I wear my boots I'm taller than him and that bugs me and he talks about how smart he is sometimes and that bugs me too. And he was in band(if that doesn't explain enough) but he was on drumline so he doesn't like any bands if they drum off or something, and he only likes jazz and heavy metal, WTFUCK mate? I don't know, but he's a nice guy and we talk alot and he would make a good rebound with how mean that sounds..oh well, I have no sympathy for guys, they're all assholes anyways so who gives a shit. OH and HE DOESN'T LIKE THAI!!!!!! only fucking stake and shit, he's atkins approved as you miht say (that sounds dirty). Anyways I should be gettingto my work, I just have to get it over and done with. |
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| As the world spins so does my reality |
[Oct. 14th, 2004|08:43 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | giddy | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Otep- house of secrets | ] |
Life is well very strange how things work out, who knew that the thing that made Chris and I so hostile towards eachother is the only that is helping me to finally get over him...or at least I hope. Well Chris and I had probably had the biggest fight we'd ever had, started obviously by me. Chris lied to me and is now thinkingg about dating that annoying bitch Lauren, god I couldn't fucking stand her to begin with and now she wants to date Chris, Fucking bitch!!! She has one of those really annoying laughs that make you clench your fist trying to control yourself hitting her in the face. Well as for the Chris thing I do miss him, he's like home to me, he's all I've known for like the past year and a half relationship wise. But I finally feel nothing for him unless I think too much into which I refuse to do becasue I am actually happy and not depressed and not osessed with thoughts about him and I'd prefer to keep it that way. Chris really has nothing to offer me that is different from any other guy actually he seems worse. I mean everything he's said I've heard it before, he never really does anything fun, he's always broke, he's a super senior, he's a liar, he used me over and over unti lhe can find someone better, and the list goes on and on. So for the past couple of days I have felt happy in high spirts and I haven't been thinknig about Chris well not in the usual way. I've been thinking about someone else.
Parker. I cannot get him out of my mind. I hardly know him and he has a girlfreind but I think about him before I go to bed at night. All the ways he would ask me out and want me and to kiss him and hold him. It would be so nice. He sent a text message to his g/f on my phone and it said "Hi sweetheart you're so cute. I like you alot" I like you, I LIKE YOU. He's been with her for a maybe a year or more and he did not say I love you only that he likes her. He always sits next to me and talks to me and makes sure he says goodbye to me and says hi every time he sees me. and whe nwe spoke bout his g/f for the first time he called her his "friend" god I like him so much, I wish I could date him, it would make my life so much earier and so much nicer. |
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segrid's journal